I just have to get this off my chest. I am having a really hard day today. I miss my Dad a lot. Plus I think I may be depressed, but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to be on medication either, I've done that before. So I've been trying to stay positive and not think about things too much. But this morning it hit me...
Like a ton of bricks....
I cried like a baby in the bath tub. At least I was already wet, so what if I bathed in my own tears.
I am really struggling with the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye...He was going into the transplant surgery when my plane landed in Utah. I did get to talk to him on my cell for a second, but he had his oxygen mask on and I couldn't understand him....I didn't realize that it was the last time I would talk to him.
I also didn't realize how bad it really was. I think when I talked to my parents, they kind of sugar coated it for me. I wish I could have been there for them. I know that I can't do the what if....but it's hard. I wanted to be there to hold his hand and tell him how much he means to me. I don't know if he really knew how much I love him. It breaks my heart that he was suffering for so long and my Mom is really the only one who was there for him the whole time. He did have a lot of support from his family, they were with him a lot at the hospital, but my Mom had to watch her strong husband deteriorate. She told me that he was skin and bones that last time at the hospital. I guess maybe the Lord was protecting me too. I don't know if I could have handled seeing him suffer like he did. But he really didn't let on that he was suffering, he was such a tough guy!
Anyway, I know I need to count my blessings, and remember all the good times that I did have with him. I have many good memories and I will cherish them always.
Now I need to turn off the water works, take some tylenol for this blasted crying headache and get on with my day. At least I have my kids to distract me.
4 comments:
Oh Jaimie! You can come cry over here anytime or just send your kids over if you want to cry in peace.
I am so sorry! I hate when I feel like that...and I usually don't have a real excuse like you do. All I can say is I am SURE your dad knows how you feel. Even if he didn't some how when he was here (although I doubt that), he does now. I know that for a fact. The veil is much thinner than we know, especially for those on the other side.
It's nothing like your story, but my grandpa died when Dylan was three days old. I hadn't been down to the hospital to see him yet because I'd just gotten out of the hospital myself. The birth with Dylan was pretty rough, but I had wanted to go that day (it was a Friday) but talked myself into waiting until Saturday when my sister would be down from Idaho and we could all go together. I was still feeling so sore and tired and I figured another day would help. But not going to see him and show him my baby when I could have before he died has been really rough. Like I know he didn't get to meet Dylan on earth or in heaven. But I have had to make my peace with it and know that of course he would understand - he's my grandpa. I'm sure it's the same with your dad.
And yeah, I think maybe the Lord was protecting you. Especially being pregnant, I don't know that my emotions could handle the reality of a declining parent. Tender mercies, you know. They're everywhere, even if we don't notice them. I hope you're feeling better now. I know emotions like that don't heal over night, but hopefully today is a little better than yesterday. :)
LYLAS (I still remember learning that from you and Aubs - oh how I love my memories from my time hanging out with you guys!!)
Oh no Jaimie! Vent all you want. I am so sad for you and losing your dad. The thought of losing my dad terrifies me. When Nate told me you hadn't made it there, I knew it would be hard for you. I prayed for you at the time but I'll add you back in. You're strong and I admire you!
Jaimie, I am so sorry! I have had some things hit me like a ton of bricks lately, too. Maybe we can cry together sometime. I think I may stop by just to hug you. My heart aches for you. These are tough trials in life. Hang in there, sweetie.
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